What I Did On My Summer Vacation...

It's back to school time.

Remember that essay we had to write every year on the first day of school?

This is mine.

And this is hard.

It's hard because this has been such a weird summer.  A summer unlike any I've had.  I've learned and changed this summer in ways I truly never expected...

This summer I've become a pet owner.  We now have two Australian Shepherd puppies.  I've never owned a dog and have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.  I never knew how much time, energy, and MONEY would go into these dogs.  Every time I visit the vet, I sort of hope they'll do some kind of treatment on me since I'm paying so much.  I probably need something they offer!  Tick sprays.  Heart medicine?  Maybe a castration.

This summer I've been a better dad.  I've given my time to my own two boys.  We've done so many things together.  We've run errands together without a single complaint from anyone.  We've kept Ben's pretzel place inside Meijer in business.  We've slept late together, read books together, watched TV together, and gone out to the breakfast buffet together.  See the key word?  We've seen several movies at the theater together.  We've gone to the park countless times to play and to catch Pokemon (I won't apologize to the critics; it's fun).  We've visited Mommy at the bakery.  I've taken them to their swim lessons.  We swam in a friend's pool.  Well, they swam.  I died.  (That's another story.)  We've hidden and gone to seek.  (That was supposed to be cute, but the grammar of it just makes it sound labored, doesn't it?)  We spent a week together at Vacation Bible School.  We've gone to lunch at Pizza Hut buffet after going to the library for books and puppet shows.  We've really not done anything huge, but it's all these little amounts of time that I've spent with my kids that have been such an eye-opener.  I've never given them this much time before, and I see now more than ever what a difference it makes.  My kids like me more this summer than they've ever liked me before now.

Why is this summer so different?

This summer I've been an unemployed teacher.

Every other summer of my adult life (basically), I've committed myself to a classroom and to students that didn't even reside in it yet.  In the previous 3 summers, I easily spent more days at school preparing my classroom and my year of instruction than I did at home "on vacation."

And I lost that job.

I don't know why I lost that job.  I did everything right in that job.  I had 3 incredibly successful years in that job where I was making a difference and where every single thing on paper (and off) was SCREAMING that I was doing an exemplary job.

I was hopelessly devoted to that job.  I loved my students, my colleagues, my school.  I loved that job -- even when things weren't perfect and when I wasn't 100% thrilled at times (who could say you are 100% content all the time in any job?) -- even then, I LOVED that job.  I wanted to keep that job forever.  I wasn't perfect.  I made mistakes.  But I worked really hard and loved what I did, I loved being there, and I wanted to stay.

But I didn't get to.

I don't know why.  I wasn't given a reason why.  I made all the contributions I did to the students and staff of that school in the hopes that it would give me job security, and the exact opposite happened.  As a non-tenured teacher, you can lose your job at any time.  That's what happened.

But, you know, maybe God didn't want me to have that job.  I could search for someone to blame, but ultimately, isn't everything in God's control?

And that's the rest of the story.  Maybe God didn't want me to have that job that I had so tirelessly poured myself into for years and cared so much about.  Cared about it more than time with my family.  And maybe cared about it more than anything.  Maybe even more than Him.

That's a tough one.

Did God take this job from me to wake me up?

Maybe.

If He did, it worked.

I see my children in a way I've never seen them before.
I see my wife too.
I see how precious time is.
I see how important teaching is (always have, always will), but I see that other things matter as much if not more.
I see Him.

I pray more than I ever have.  I accept God's will for me more than I ever have.  I am humbled and trusting God more than ever.  I am still and know that the "I am" has me in His timetable and is preparing something wonderful for me.

It's not easy.  It's hard.  It's depressingly terrible at times in fact.

But God's got me, and I'm hanging on with His help.

And I submit.

In June, I did something God has wanted me to do for... well, forever.

In June, I was baptized.  Anyone who knows me really well knows how very, very monumental this is.  I have not even told my own parents about this (sorry, Mom and Dad, when you read this).

I've been a believer since I was 8 years old.  For the last 27 years, I've not followed God's directive in baptism.  When I was young, the church I attended had no baptistry.  A couple of times throughout the years, the idea was proposed to me of scheduling my baptism at a sister church.  I balked and would fight it tooth and nail because I was PETRIFIED of being on public display.  My parents eventually, I think, just stopped fighting me on it because maybe they didn't want to push me (a very strong-willed kid) away from God or from them.  I don't know.  My grandfather tried many times to convince me to follow through, and it all just fell on deaf ears.  What I wouldn't have given for my grandparents to have seen me be baptized!

When I met Alisha in college and she took me to a church with her in Murray, I decided I would follow through with baptism there at one point.  I started the process of talking to the pastor and scheduling a baptism, and for whatever reason (that I still can't remember), it just never happened.

So, 27 years after I was saved, I finally did it.  After everything happened with my job, it was a huge turning point for me.  I realize STRONGLY how very much I need God.  How very much I need to submit to Him.  I fell on my knees many times in May in tears because I didn't understand.  I was mad.  I was scared.  And the thing that I kept hearing said to me was, "Submit."  Maybe that meant "submit" your job application in 23,457 places (I've done that, ha), but I also know it meant to change my obsessions to become obsessed with Him.  To focus on something that truly matters.  God.  My wife.  My children.  The rest of my family and friends.  And THEN my work.  I had things very backward in the past.

I also knew it meant to be baptized.  I felt that call.  I don't believe that my baptism has saved me.  I was already saved way back when.  I don't believe that doing this, this thing God wanted me to do, will get me what I want out of my job or in life.  It wasn't a bargaining chip.  I don't believe it changed anything about me, except I will say that I FELT different the moment I came up out of that water.  That might be because my preacher friend, Chris Holmes, nearly killed me when he baptized me.  He dropped me way into the basement, my lungs filled with holy water, and I died.  He banged my head on the baptistry walls on the way up, and I blacked out as I climbed the steps to escape the madness.  Really.  Or at least that's how I remember it.  I had to go into an out-of-body experience in order to be able to survive the public display.

But God got me through it.  And I felt different then and still do to this day, two months later, because I finally did something -- I submitted to something -- that God had wanted me to do for 27 years.

It's a wonderful feeling.  Last week, I voted on a business meeting matter at our church as an official member.  For most Christian adults, this wouldn't seem like a big deal.  I felt like an 18YO kid again voting in my first election for... well, whatever happened in 1998. It was wonderful.  I unabashedly embarrassed my wife and two family friends with my childlike excitement.

So, now here it is August.

It's back to school time.

And it's hard.

This is hard.

School is starting without me.

I see all of my friends posting pictures of the perfectly prepared classrooms in all of its preciousness.

I see them going to meet their students at home visits, which was always the most special day of the year to me.

I see my former MLES students in pictures with their new teachers.  They aren't mine anymore, and it's hard.  I won't see them this fall in the halls.

It's hard.

This is hard.

I don't have any students to get excited about and to love unconditionally.  To pour myself into teaching them and making a difference for them.

I don't have a classroom to organize and beautify and prepare and play my guitar in and make students happy in and make ME happy in.

I still don't have a job.  I still don't know why I lost the one I had.  I still don't know why I haven't gotten another one.  Foolishly, I turned down a job offer that was provided to me.  Maybe that was God's answer for me, and at the time, I just couldn't see it.  But, that was then, and this is now.  And I'm still waiting.

I still have bills to be paid and insurance to provide and a family to support and raise.

My oldest son still has no school in which he's enrolled because we've held out this long waiting to see if I'd get employed somewhere.

My wife still cries at night for me.  For her.  For my boys.

This is hard.

I'm crying to God right now in fact as I type this.

But, here's how I know this summer is different.

Yes, I'm scared.  Yes, I'm broken.  But, I know God will prosper me.  My tears are sad, but they're also very humbled and very thankful.

I have 100% faith that we are going to be okay. I don't know that I would have ever been able to say that and MEAN it in my life before now.  I could have said it -- but I don't know if my heart would have meant it.

Yes, my tears to God right now are thankful.  I'm blessed with so much richness.  I have a beautiful, loving wife that supports me in everything that I do (even when I make bad decisions).  I have two creative, funny, sweet, kind, intelligent, AMAZING sons that are what joy actually is!  And I see them.  I see them.  That's such a gift.  To see them.  And they see me.  And they want time with me now.  And they get it.

I have parents and a brother and in-laws who would do (AND DO DO) **haha, I just said "do-do"** anything and everything for us to help keep us afloat.  Our lives are complete because of you.  Our children are happy because of you.  You are everything.

I have a home and everything in it that one needs to live very, very happily.  Of course, I hope to get to keep said home haha.

I have two crazy dogs.

I have more friends who love me than I ever realized.  Since all of this happened with my job, people have come out of the proverbial woodworks to support me.  It's been such a blessing and an uplifting of my spirits.

And, I have God.

I have a God that I cry thankful tears to when I think of all He's done for me and that I KNOW He's still doing for me even right now.

I can't see what's coming, but I know God has a plan for me.  He will be there with me through this hard time, beyond it when it's easier, still there when it gets hard again, and always.

So... what I did on my summer vacation is...

I learned to submit.

And. . .

I learned about faith.

The end.

(Now, this should at least be worth an A++++++++++++ like the teacher in "A Christmas Story" put on the board for Ralphie in his dreams, right?.......)